Flashback Friday: Dear iPhone

I’m working on editing some images from yesterday’s photo shoot at the Walker Art Center.  I plan to share them later today but in the mean time please enjoy today’s Flashback Friday post.  Not much has changed since it’s original posting date except maybe, I don’t know, my iPhone and I have several children out of wedlock and I figured out how to use it to order a taxi without having to speak to anyone.  Let’s face it–that’s the best thing ever.

Dear iPhone

Originally posted: February 21, 2009

Dear iPhone,

I have loved you unconditionally since day one.  Our relationship has been one of mutual respect, love and enthusiastically inclined texting.  You’re there when I need to update my Facebook status to let the world know that I just ate a burrito the size of my face, that the Mormons are looking at me funny, or that a homeless man just asked me out on a date in his shopping cart.  You’re there to keep me abreast of important information like when Static Monkey propositions here husband for drunken sex;  Love Maegen wants to poke her eyes out from the frustration of Los Angeles traffic (it really is that bad); and how annoyed Rachel is that Steve,–in typical male fashion–waited to start laundry until she was ready to go out and heavily consume alcohol. Oh iPhone, you feed my obsession of refreshing my email every 7 minutes, show me live traffic feeds of the 110 in Los Angeles, and let me check TMZ to learn that Brad Pitt ran a stop sign yesterday in Beverly Hills-the same stop sign that I paid a $400 ticket for running mere months earlier.  You are there when the emergency need to snap a photo of a legendary she-mullet presents itself, or to not-so-discreetly snap a photo of L,A. Mayor Antonio Villariagosa when I’m supposed to be working.  You do those things, all while playing me Lupe Fiasco’s “Superstar”.  This is important stuff.

You’re there, iPhone.  Which is why at this moment I’m so dissapointed with your normally perfect self.  What you did yesterday is not kosher, man.  Maybe you were feeling a bit cocky with your awesomeness.  Maybe you wanted to remind me, “Hey, asshole, this is how empty your life was before you first caressed my warm touch screen.” I’m not sure, iPhone. I’m not sure what your motive was but let me make it very clear that you will never again allow my WordPress App to eat a blog post that I used your adorable touch-screen keyboard to write while standing in the long ass line at Panera.  That’s the thing about my brilliance, iPhone.  It’s fleeting.  I can’t get those words back and those words? They were some gangster shit. And you devoured them like they were a Double-Double Animal sytle from In-N-Out Burger.

I will forgive you this once based solely on how much joy you have brought to my life since that fateful day at The Grove in November.  But don’t think for one second that you can’t be replaced.  You can’t can. I call the shots here, buddy.  You might be awesome, but you’re a phone.

P.S. Sigh. Who am I kidding.  You’re not just a phone.  You’re everything and I need you.

P.P.S. The only way you could possibly be any more awesome is if we could cook pizza together and then have sex amid sipping cocktails. Wait.  Is there an app for that? Just please be more careful the next time I use you to update The Blog . I miss those words almost as much as I miss Pinkberry.

Forever yours,

The slightly dejected HP

Tags: 110 Freeway, Facebook, In-n Out Burger, iPhone, Los Angeles, Love Maegan, Mayor Antonio Villariagosa, Panera Bread, Racheleliza, static monkey, The Grove LA, TMZ, twitter, Wordpress app for iphone