Monday Q&A: Gangster edition with Billy Mays

Joshlos wants to know: What’s your favorite gang?

A few days ago my dad called from his hotel in St. Paul to see “how I was doing” because he was watching Gangland and, I don’t know, apparently that reminded him of me? Because I’m such a hard-core bad ass motherfucker? Be that as it may, I wouldn’t say I have a favorite gang so much as it’s one of my favorite pastimes to pretend I’m a gangster.  There was a time that my best girls and I “stole” a piece of “landscaping” from a local “McDonalds.”  It weighed about 50 pounds, so yea, it was kind of a big deal.  Total gang activity.

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Why did you and Bex never hang out while you still lived in Los Angeles?

She intimidates me because she is way funnier and way smarter than me!  The only other excuse I can really offer is that  life gets hectic when working full-time–a concept I would willfully embrace at this given point in time.  Not to mention, getting out of Downtown at 5:30 every night was a challenge in itself.  If we had made plans I wouldn’t have gotten there until two months later.  But we totally should have hung out, because I kind of love her.

Hanna from Germany knows the key to my heart: through my iPhone.

If you dropped your cellphone on the sidewalk, didn’t realize it, and someone returned it to you, who would that person be?

The son of God? I can tell you who it wouldn’t be: someone who has never had the privilege of humping the iPhone.  Seriously. It’s just that awesome.  It would be lost forever which is perhaps why I have had my soldered to my shoulder. It’s just safer that way.  You can read my iPhone love letter here.

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Imagine someone wants to get to know you better and tries to become your friend.  For some reason you are not interested in getting to know that person better.  How do you refuse?

I would bust a cap in their ass.  If that didn’t work I would block them on Facebook. I once had an online stalker from Canada who messaged me because we shared the same first name.  (I KNOW, right?! How NUTS IS IT that two people in this world would have the same name! So KEWL!) At first I found her interest in me somewhat endearing, albeit a little homosexual for my personal tastes, but eventually it just got fucking weird.  So, I did what any self-respecting, passive-aggressive asshole would do–I blocker her and her subsequent aliases (yes, plural) created out of retaliation and attempt at further contact.  (Please take note–this is how real, bona fide gangsters take care of business. ON THE STREETS, YO.)

My long-time blogger buddy Spleeness asked:

Did you have a blankie or other plush item you carried around as a kid? My grama  made each of my siblings and I a baby-sized pillow when we were born.  We all still have them–just as my mom has her’s stored away somewhere too–but interestingly enough I’m the only one who still, uh, how do we say…uses hers? At nearly 25?  Over the years it has lost all of its fluff, been re-stuffed multiple times–most recently when I may have been around the age of 21, but who’s counting, right?  It’s completely flat which I guess is fitting–or maybe an omen–because I completely flat the majority of my life too.  It is entirely disgusting and the ’stuffing’ is falling out, but I still have it on my bed and I’ll be honest–the bitch isn’t going anywhere.  (It should be noted that this is a big part of being in a gang and that Gangsters do this all of the time.)  I have a memory from when I was probably around eight years old, when I asked my mom why she no longer slept with hers.  She responded with “because I am married and I am an adult.  Someday you will understand.”  Psh, whatev, Moms.

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What were you like as a kid, shy, gregarious, etc.? Ugly.  Like, really ugly.  Ask Jen! I didn’t hit puberty until like halfway through freshman year.  Of college.  Hmm…I wonder what that says about my boyfriend.  (Hi baby, love you!)

Andy of WildARSchase is back in the blogging game and I’m so glad because  “my life (MY LIFE) would suck (WOULD SUCK) without you.”  That’s some seriously quality Kelly Clarkson right there.  Moving on.

What Billy Mays-hawked product would you most likely use/have already bought?

I’d buy the Zorbie (even if it is an “inferior product”) because Vince Offer creeps me the FUCK OUT. I’ve considered going all Public Enemies on his creeptastical ass, like a true gangster would, but I got distracted by how fucking HOT Johnny Depp is.  Did I ever tell you about the time I saw him? Twice? In one day? Did I mention that I can now die happy? (I bet you didn’t think I could answer a question about Billy Mays with “Johnny Depp,” did you?  Let this be an example of just how much you can accomplish when you really set your mind to something.)
Are you a morning shower or an evening shower person? Why?

Let’s just say that if I didn’t take a shower in the morning, I’ll take one at night.  If I don’t take one at night, I’ll take one in the morning.  Lately though, now that I haven’t had to go into an office for, oh, THREE MONTHS BECAUSE I CAN’T BECOME FULLY EMPLOYED because God hates me and wants me to die a painful, broke ass death,  and live in a world without expendable income for Caribou Coffee or Taco Bell, I consider it a good day if I can even put on pants.

Bex has been one of my favorites since day one:

What is something your boyfriend does that you hate?

He has the tendency to use a glass/plate/whatever, leave it sitting somewhere, and then use another glass/plate/whatever twenty minutes later rather than rinse and reuse the original glass/plate/whatever.  It’s maddening to find seven different glasses/plates/whatevers strewn about the apartment.  Every four hours.  However, I think this is a flaw with the male gender in general and not all his fault  because I have been trying to combat it for quite some time now and just when I think progress is made, BOOM.  I step on another piece of flatware.  @&$!

If I bribe you with sexual favors, will you come back to LA?

Mmm.  I love sexual favors and I love L.A.  So, throw in $5,000 dollars and an apartment in Brentwood and you have a deal.  But only if we can go to Vegas after I’m all moved in.

Tags: Dude it's Bex, Gangland, gangs, Hanna from Germany, iPhone, Joshlos, Los Angeles, St. Paul