Because morals are overrated

At the beginning of the week Andy, from Wild ARS Chase, emailed me with an inappropriate albeit hilarious idea for a guest blog that is sure to land me in purgatory for at least 5 years. (Is there a sense of time in purgatory?)

“Is it bad that I immediately thought of you after watching Taxicab Confessions as the perfect person for this guest post? Is it worse that I looked over at Capricorn and said, “Haute Pocket would love this,” and is it even worse that she knew who I was talking about?”

-Andy

What follows is the post Andy felt might be a bit too….inappropriate (raunchy? lacking in morals? totally asinine? bat shit insane?) for his blog, but naturally thought would be perfect for my readers. Guys, I don’t know what that says about you.

*****

You may recall the two of us teamed up to beat up a group of derelicts write a Q&A mailbag, a feature we both loved and would do again if you start sending us questions again (hint). So, what better way to show my admiration for Haute than by providing her with what may be some of the funniest, rated R material I’ve come across in awhile and just can’t be written about cleanly.

Enter HBO’s “Taxicab Confessions.”

I used to sneak peaks at this show when I was a kid, but haven’t watched it in years, thanks to the fact that shows like Sex and the City and The Wire have taken some of the scandal away. But still, when my girlfriend Capricorn and I saw three episodes last weekend, it caught us by surprise…Mind you, this is HBO talking, not me. I still heart Jesus…

I give you:

Somewhat context-free things I learned and heard while watching Taxicab Confessions:

Don’t look another pimp in the eye if you already have a pimp. That means you want to change pimps and is a no-no.
“You gotta train bitches by letting them suck yo dick.”
“Girls ain’t supposed to make no money tricking.”
A pimp who has sex with 6 to 9 girls a day. I don’t even talk to 6 to 9 girls a day.
“They are all like women but with penises.” A girl talking about men, as she evidently passed her anatomy class.
“They all die from the same things: Motor vehicle accidents, shooting, stabbing, overdose, heart attack.”- NYC paramedic.
“We were on a break. He just didn’t know it.” A cheating woman who evidently forgot the lesson of Ross and Rachel.
“We want the guy who lives at home and has no money and treats you like a shit.” A woman who appears to be confused and an idiot.
A guy describing his first homosexual experience, which was in an abandoned house owned by the family of the other guy, described as having “wolf-like features.”…Once he saw the house, the taxi passenger recalled, he thought, “I’m getting murdered.” Then, “We started kissing. I punched him in the face.”…. Yep, he punched him in the face, but wait: “Another guy came in my mouth. I punched him in the mouth.” So, evidently he’s a spitter.
A guy who lived with a tribe in Tanzania: “We hunted this animal, called a dik-dik.” Watch out, dude. The newly gay guy will punch that animal in the mouth…. “Sex is no big deal. It’s like sweeping the floor.” Um, I have never used a Swiffer and thought, ‘You know what? I can’t get past the fact that it feels like I’m consummating a marriage right now.’… This dude also said he has sex with lots of “bush women.” Too many jokes, too little time.
“Big women conquer.”- A large black woman before she made out with her skinny white boyfriend.
“Irish moms talk down their sons.”
“I don’t like dick. I like transexuals like that one right there.”
A drunk guy and drunk girl, each of whom has a gay person in love with them, are secretly hooking up… in the back of the taxi. The girl sloppily starts going down on the guy, after she took her pants off. The guy eventually makes out with her. She stops for a moment and asks, “Are you a slut?”
“As long as she’s fucking me properly. Keep looking good, keep that pussy sweet,” a guy says on his ability to stay with one woman. I turn to Capricorn. “How do you keep a vagina sweet? Do you use a douche bag?” Capricorn, “Um, babe, no one uses those.” Me: “Oh.”
“We need more places in New York where you can get naked.”- half naked singers
An American woman, in a cab with her new French fiance-they got engaged on their first day together- decides to make all Americans sound horrible when asked if Americans are better than the French: “French girls are prudes. French men are sleazy.” French guy: “Wait a second, how can you say that about all French people? What about me?” American girl: “I’m just saying, American men are more manly.” French guy: (Look of horror and disdain). Capricorn: “Well, that one’s over.”
Me: “What if I would have proposed to you on our first date?” Capricorn: “I would have never talked to you again.”
Me, to Capricorn: “Let me kiss you quick, so I can go back to watching this crackwhore.”

You just can’t make this stuff up.

Tags: guest blog, HBO, Taxi Cab Confessions, this post is certain to attrack total creeps to my blog, Wild ARS Chase