“Thren” reasons why I am not currently engaged

This week’s Thursday Thren will most likely be quite lengthy as I address the topic of weddings and engagements, with special emphasis on the reasons why I am not engaged at this time. The inspiration for this topic stems from a recent bombardment by acquaintances, college friends, ex-boyfriends and also my grandmother, as to why I am not engaged, when I will be engaged and/or the question “Isn’t it realistically about time already that you got married?”

I didn’t realize there was a ‘realistic’ time to get engaged. I’ve always thought the right time was different for everybody. Right now, at this very moment, I know fourteen people all 23 years old or less that are engaged, married for less than a year, or have plans to be engaged within six months. Fourteen. Before I continue let me preface the rest of this entry with a few points:

• I honestly couldn’t be happier and more excited for my friend Christin that she has found the love of her life. I see how happy she is, and I 100% support their commitment and decision to get married.
• I do not, however, support the majority of the weddings that I know of right now, and feel that most of them are being rushed into without the proper amount of consideration.
• I am very frustrated lately because a lot of these people I know who are engaged approach me with questions regarding my relationship in a way that suggests they find it less legitimate than theirs because I have been in it longer than they have and am ’still not engaged.’ This judgment is the primary reason I am compelled today to explain the Thren (very good) reasons why I am not currently engaged.

1. Money. Now I realize weddings can be planned and paid for with a yearly salary such as mine. However, I am a high maintenance bastard with expensive taste. When I do get married, it will be forever. Therefore, my wedding will need to be ‘right’ the first time, because it will be the only time. Right now my ‘dream wedding’ is not financially feasible as I have moved across the country less than a year ago, and would prefer a couch in my apartment before a gigantic rock. Kapeesh?

2. Age. Despite being older in age than the majority of my friends, and despite feeling like an old lady that does nothing but work allthetime, I realize I am still young. I am a few months shy of 24 which means that were I to be engaged now, and married a year from now, I would be 30 on my 5th or 6th year anniversary. That seems ridiculous to me and makes me feel old just thinking about it. And no, I do not consider 30 old. I am simply saying that 5 or 6 years of marriage is a long time, and I can’t fathom having completed that many by the time I would be 30. I’m making this worse, aren’t I?

3. My relationship still feels relatively new, despite having been in it for nearly 4 years. I have known boyfriend for over 5 years now, and we have dated the majority of that time. We met freshman year of college. Although we have been together for what is apparently ’so long’, we have not always been as grounded and healthy as we are today. Most people would have called it quits completely and I don’t feel like hashing out all the gore. Suffice it to say that we stuck with each other through some of the toughest shit either of us has ever had to deal with. We persevered because we truly love and care about each other, and I am so glad we did because it was easily the best decision of my life. My point, is that despite the length of time we have known each other, loved each other, etc., we are just now finally getting it ‘right.’ We each had a lot of issues that needed to be addressed. To define that, take the word ‘a lot’ and multiply it by one million, and that should give you an idea of how much we’ve had to work on. Our relationship has done a 180 within the past year, and so it doesn’t really feel like an old relationship to us. I’ve never realized, until recently, how easy the right relationship can actually be. I know it requires work, effort, etc., but those things should come naturally and right now I’m just happy being happy, and I’m feeling like we’re experiencing something relatively new.

4. Life after college is significantly different than life during college. For this reason, I find it important for a committed relationship to experience the changes that take place after college. During our dorm days it is easy to think we’ve got everything figured out. FYI I never felt this way, but maybe that’s because my college days were a shitstorm of insecurity and self destructive behaviors. Now that I am out of school and actually taking further responsibility for my life it is easy to see a huge difference between college relationships and ‘real life’ relationships. It has been an important priority for us to experience this transition from selfish college students to adults that actually take responsibility for not only ourselves, but each other.

5. Life changes. This may coincide with the first and fourth points of this list, but I think it is important to see how a relationship fares during an extreme life change. In our case, that life change was starting a fresh life in a new place. And let me tell you right now-that is fucking hard. It has not been an easy thing at all, but we are stronger, wiser, happier and better partners because of it. I knew when we moved that this would make or break our relationship. It’s been an amazing transition of not only establishing a life in a new place, but creating a new sense of relationship as well.

6. It is important for me that we each define ‘marriage’ on our own terms. Boyfriend does not have positive experiences with marriage and I think it’s necessary for him to define, on his own terms, what it means to him and what he wants it to be like for him. I don’t have a completely conventional idea of marriage either. It’s not a religious experience for me at all, and so it’s been a big deal determining our ideal view.

Hopefully this sheds some light on this situation. We have talked about it. Our non-engagement has nothing to do with whether or not we have ‘made up our minds’ about whether or not we want to spend our lives together. We do. We will. We are. We’ve had ‘the talk’ about engagements, and weddings. I want those things. Just not this very second. We have 5, 10, 15 year desires and goals and those things all include each other. It has nothing to do with lack of commitment, nothing to do with uncertainty, nothing to do with any question whatsoever. It has everything to do with seeing no reason to rush. If he were to propose today I would most definitely respond with an enthusiastic “yes!” but right now I know that I’m “the one” and I’m content with that. I’m perfectly fine with focusing on settling into our new life and enjoying our renewed relationship for awhile.

Also, today is an anniversary of sorts, and so I have included some old and new photos. Please don’t vomit at my happiness. Pleeeeease?!

Tags: engagement, enjoying being in love, i love him, marriage, taking it slow, weddings