Well, it has happened. I have successfully exposed myself to an entire metro rail station. During rush hour even! Don’t any of you ever say I don’t aim high! Yea. So the aforementioned incident was obviously an accident. As I was making my way through the throngs of people I couldn’t help but notice that every single person I passed appeared to be focusing their attention on the area where my left boob is located. Maybe it was to make sure it was still there, maybe it was to see what all the fuss was about, or maybe it was because of paranoia, but I too was compelled to check out my boob and not only was it still there, (praise Jesus!) but the bag I was carrying over my shoulder had pulled down my sweater and caused said boob to silently pop out of my scoop neck and expose its red, satiny Boob Restraining Apparatus (read: B.R.A). Sneaky bastard! The only thing that could have seriously been more neat was if my pants had split down the back to expose my red lace clad ass.
The aftermath of the boob exposure was made ever more awful as I was accosted by a creepy man claiming to be my ‘guardian’ sent by ‘the voices channeled in his head.’ His opening line of “I just saw your breast”really did a lot to boost his credibility, along with his coked out facial expression, dirt covered clothes and bag of trash that he had slung over his shoulder. You just saw my breast, you say? You can join the club for an easy payment of $29.99.
My new guardian followed me the entire 6 blocks to my apartment. Actually, ‘followed’ is an extreme understatement. It is far more realistic to say that he walked next to me while managing to maintain a distance from my face of about 3 inches the entire time. Uncomfortable? Yes. Completely fucked up? Absolutely.
“There are about 60 of us. It is our job to protect you,” he says. Your ‘job’? Self proclaimed perhaps?
“Everyone has to do something I guess,” I say.
He was offended at this. “Do you think I’m just a creepy homeless man that follows cute girls down the street?” Well…yes, actually, now that you mention it I TOTALLY DO.
“Please do not be afraid. I see you everyday. I’ve been channeled to protect you.” You’re right. Totally not afraid anymore. Completely terrified? Yes.
“Do you remember me? We have met before, in a past life, in Jersey. I protected you then, as I will now. Do you ever channel? Have you ever flinked? No?” WHAT THE FUCK IS A FLINK?
Luke? Friend? Please send bear mace immediately.
Tags: boob restraining apparatus, boobs!, channeling, flink, red bras are a straight ticket to hell, what the fuck is a flink?
April 2, 2008 at 11:20 am |
I am starting to think that you avoid answering your phone when I call just so that I can read your posts instead of you having to tell me. I love it.
April 2, 2008 at 12:01 pm |
I’ll admit…a young, firm exposed breast caressed in red satin does place men in a hypnotic stupor, so it’s no surprise you turned into an impromptu Pied Pier. However I do fear for your safety. That’s creepy shit. You should definitely carry mace, and possibly wear a string of rosary beads.
April 2, 2008 at 1:24 pm |
Where can I purchase mace? Is that even legal? Is there a Mace Market that I can drop by?
April 2, 2008 at 2:04 pm |
Mace is totally legal. And even if it wasn’t, I would HIGHLY recommend getting yourself some. These creeps aren’t backing down, even with your sharp tongue and quick wit. Most non-crazy guys would fear you. The crazy ones are probably just going to become more obsessed with you. I would not strike up conversations with them anymore.
And keep your friggin’ boobs in your shirt. Flaunting is my job.
April 2, 2008 at 2:51 pm |
1. Obviously you know I have no problem breaking laws. I was merely questioning the legality of mace, because I would prefer not to have to purchase it via the mafia and/or black market.
2. Most non-crazy guys DO fear me, which I find interesting because while I do talk a lot of smack, I am a total pussy.
3. I will do with my boobs whatever I damn well please! My boobs could totally kick your boobs ass in a Boob-Off. I mean, let’s face it. Yours are larger and probably stronger (whatever the fuck that means), but the smaller size of mine means they are most definitely more agile and easily hide able allowing me to whip those babies out without warning.
4. I can not believe I am still talking about this.
April 2, 2008 at 6:30 pm |
Me either dude. My comment started out as a joke, but if you want to rumble, let’s do it.
April 2, 2008 at 8:14 pm |
I knoooow! I love your boobs!